Some years ago my mother lost her interest towards the garden. As long as I remember her, she's always loved taking care of it. We have had two big gardens that mom turned into unique summer living rooms. The gardens were neat, but mom still managed to retain elegant wildness there. Everything was balanced. Everything was so beautiful. Each spring, my mother was excited about buying different plants, but one year I noticed that even though she talked about her garden, she never made it to buying the plants.
I was travelling and I didn't know at the time that it was a sign of something very bad taking over. Remember a post about how I went to a tree nursery with my mother to buy flowers, and one lovely lady said I left my hat there a year ago and got it for me from her room? You can read the post here. That was the time I started with desperate efforts to awaken interest in my mother and I tried to take her flower shopping. I got her various flower plants, but eventually, it was my father who planted them in the garden.
Since then, my mother's health has deteriorated. First every year, then every month, and finally... Finally, I realised that things will not get better. My mother has been plagued by severe rheumatism for years and due to some wring steps, nothing will get better any more. In the first half of the year, I took a bigger break in both blogging and work. I slowly realised that my mother is getting sicker and no matter how hard we tried with father, mother's will had become fragile. Coping with mother's illness is something nobody leaves a manual for. You don't have instructions for how to deal with it... At first, I didn't realise why I was so sad all the time.
One day, when mother was doing quite badly, I went to see her. I laid down next to her, hold her hand and thought: "If I could give you all my strength, I would do it..." But later when I got home, I was totally upset, tired, and worn out. I called my friend and just cried... She was the first one who asked whether I had put a filter between myself and dealing with my sick mother? I didn't understand what she was talking about... Until I understood that if I take all my mother's worries in all day every day, there won't be much left of myself. Those were the first words of wisdom on how to keep your chin up regardless of sorrow. But it doesn't always work.
For example, mother and I went to Stockmann's home department together for years, and one day I went there to the department store to meet an acquaintance. I arrived early and went to the home department... I was looking around and all of a sudden I remembered everything about my mother. I was totally confused because I was filled with weird feelings and I almost started to cry... I didn't go to Stockmann for long after that because the store reminded me of my mother so much... That wasn't the only bitter moment. One day I was looking at a woman in the spa who had come there with her mother. They were chatting in the sauna about the world and beyond, and they were lovely to look at together. All of a sudden, I felt a sharp sting. I thought about how I can never take my mother to a spa again because her health is too bad. I'm sitting at a cafe and think about the lovely times we had together. As long as I remember myself, I have always had the need to share the beautiful places I've found, with my parents. Although I have my own family, my mother drifting away due to her illness is something that haunts me every day. Luckily I have slowly found ways to get back on my feet. I shut myself off for some time, but now I've started going to events again, accepted jobs, and I try to be open.
I have realised that no matter how ill someone close to you is, the most important part is to retain your own sanity, health, and regardless of how silly it sounds... retain your happiness. So I decided to start building new memories on those places that I associate with my mother. I set my appointments to the cafes I avoided because I associated them with my mother. I started going to Stockmann, which I desperately avoided for some time, again. I guess it's because we bought some new items for my table set every month, and we really enjoyed the process of picking out the things... I took my daughter to Stockmann and started collecting a new table set with her. I sought out the jewellery that reminds me of my mother, and I started wearing them again. I went to the tree nurseries that reminded me of my mother, and bought flowers to the garden from there. I just decided that I have to be strong because otherwise, I would drown.
I go see my mother several times a week. My husband is great support, because he always comes along. His contribution is immeasurable for me. I love to cook, so I sometimes drop by Nõmme market before lunch, buy fresh ingredients, and cook for my parents. I have always known that the best we can give each other, is time and devotion. And the best thing to soothe the sorrow of an ill person is to find time for them. Give them joy. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes not. But I try. Now you know the reason why Stellarium has been pretty quiet for half a year. But sometimes you need to wait until you get your will back to do something, and move forward with your own things. I've finally found it, but that doesn't mean there can't be setbacks. How have you coped with the illness of someone close to you? Are there any tips to share with others, or are the answers within ourselves, and the winner is the one who finally finds them?
Mõni aasta tagasi kaotas mu ema huvi oma aia vastu. Nii kaua kui mina teda mäletan, on ta alati armastanud aias tegutseda. Meil on olnud kaks suurt aeda, millest ema tegi ainulaadsed suvised elutoad. Meie aedades valitses korrektsus, kus oli ometi säilinud ka elegantse metsikus. Kõik oli tasakaalus. Kõik oli ilus. Igal kevadel kibeles mu ema erinevaid lilletaimi ostma, kuid ühel kevadel
panin äkki tähele, et kuigi ta rääkis oma aiast, siis taimede ostmiseni ta ei jõudnud.
Mul olid endal reisid ja ma ei teadnud toona, et see on märk millestki väga halvast, mis aina maad võtab. Mäletad, kui ma kirjutasin postituse sellest, kui käisin koos emaga puukoolis lilli ostmas ja üks lahke proua ütles, et aasta tagasi jätsin sinna oma kübara ja tõi selle mulle oma toast? Selle postituse leiad siit. Sel ajal alustasin meeleheitlike pingutustega, et oma emas aia vastu huvi äratada ja püüdsin viia teda lilli ostma. Ma kinkisin talle erinevaid lilletaimi, kuid lõpuks istutas aeda need hoopis minu isa.
Sellest ajast on ema tervis läinud aina halvemaks. Alguses iga aastaga, siis kuude kaupa ja lõpuks ... Lõpuks leidsin ennast tõdemas, et asjad ei lähegi enam kuigi palju paremaks. Mu ema on aastaid laastanud ränk reuma. Ta on astunud valesid samme, mis on viinud tupikusse. Aasta esimesel poolel tegin ma nii blogimisse kui oma töödesse suurema pausi. Ma hakkasin tasapisi mõistma, et ema jääb järjest haigemaks ja kui palju me kogu hingest koos isaga ka ei pingutaks, siis ema enda tahe on jäänud õhkõrnaks. Toimetulek oma ema haigusega on midagi, mille kohta ei jäta keegi manuaali. Sul pole õpetust, kuidas sellega toime tulla... Esialgu ei saanud ma aru, miks ma pidevat nii kurb olen.
Ühel päeval, kui emal oli eriti halb, läksin teda vaatama. Ma heitsin ta kõrvale pikali, võtsin käest kinni ja mõtlesin: "Kui ma saaksin sulle kogu oma jõu anda, siis ma teeksin seda..." Koju jõudes olin täiesti endast väljas, väsinud ja kurnatud. Ma helistasin oma sõbrannale ja lihtsalt nutsin... Tema oli esimene, kes küsis, kas haige emaga tegeledes, olen ma üritanud filtri vahele panna? Ma ei saanud aru, mis filtrist ta räägib? Kuniks mõistsin, et kui ma lasen kõik oma ema vaevad igapäevaselt iseendast läbi, ei jää varsti ka minust endast midagi järele. Need olid justkui esimesed õpetussõnad, kuidas hoolimata nukrusest oma meeleolu üleval hoida. Kuid alati see ei õnnestu.
Näiteks käisime emaga aastaid ja aastaid koos Stockmanni kaubamaja koduosakonnas. Ühel päeval läksin ma kaubamajja oma tuttavaga kohtuma. Ma jõudsin varem ja läksin koduosakonda... Vaatasin seal ringi ja äkitselt meenutas kõik mulle minu emakest. Ma olin täiesti segaduses, sest hing täitus veidrate tunnetega ja hakkasin peaaegu nutma... Pärast seda ei läinud ma enam tükk aega Stockmanni, sest selles kaumabajas meenutas nii palju mu ema... See pole olnud ainus kibe hetk. Ühel päeval vaatasin SPA-s üht naist, kes oli sinna tulnud koos oma emaga. Nad jutustasid saunas maast ja ilmast ning neid oli lõputult tore koos vaadata. Ja äkitselt tabas mind valus torge. Ma mõtlesin, et ma ei saa enam kunagi oma ema SPA-sse viia, sest tema tervis ei luba seda. Ma istun kohvikutes ja mõtlen, kui tore oli meil koos olla. Nii kaua kui ma end mäletan, on mul olnud alati vajadus oma vanematega jagada ilusaid kohti, mida olen leidnud. Kuigi mul on oma perekond, siis ema kaugenemine läbi haiguse, kummitab mind iga päev. Õnneks olen leidnud vaikselt viise, kuidas jalule saada. Kui ma mingiks ajaks tõmbusin täiesti oma kookonisse, siis nüüd olen taas hakanud käima üritustel, võtnud vastu töid ja püüan avatud olla.
Ma olen mõistnud, et ükskõik kui haige sinu lähedane ka pole, kõige olulisem on ise terve mõistus, tervis ja ükskõik kui jabur see ka ei tundu... rõõm säilitada. Nii otsustasin ma ühel päeval hakata nendele kohtadele, mis liiga tugevalt emaga seostuvad, uusi mälestusi peale ehitama. Ma leppisin oma kohtumised kokku just nendes kohvikutes, mida vältisin, sest need seostusid mu emaga. Ma hakkasin taas käima Stockmannis, mida ma vältisin mõnda aega täiesti paaniliselt. Ilmselt seepärast, et igal kuul ostsime mu emaga sealt minu serviisi kollektsiooni mõne uue asja ja me nii nautisime seda valimise protsessi... Nüüd võtsin hoopis tütre Stockmanni kaasa ja hakkasin temaga koos uut serviisi koguma. Ma otsisin välja ehted, mis meenutavad mu ema ja hakkasin neid uuesti kandma. Ma läksin jälle nendesse puukoolidesse, kus olime emaga taimi valinud ja ostsin sealt aeda lilli. Ma lihtsalt otsustasin, et pean olema tugev, sest muidu ma upun.
Ma käin nädalas mitu korda ema vaatamas. Minu abikaasa on mulle suureks toeks, ta tuleb alati kaasa ja viskab nalja, kui kurvaks muutun. Mulle meeldib süüa teha ja nii põikan vahel enne lõunat tõukerattaga Nõmme turule, ostan värsked asjad ja teen vanematele lõuna. Ma olen alati teadnud, et parim, mida me saame üksteisele kinkida, on aeg ja pühendumus. Ja kõige parem, millega leevendada haige inimese kurbust, on justnimelt jagada temaga oma aega. Viia talle rõõmu. Vahel see õnnestub mul. Vahel mitte. Kuid ma püüan. Nüüd tead sa põhjust, miks Stellarium on pool aastat olnud üsna vaikne paik. Kuid vahel tuleb oodata, millal tuleb tahe taas midagi teha ja oma asjadega edasi minna. Lõpuks olen ma selles raskuses leidnud oma tee, mis ei välista küll tagasilööke. Kuidas sina oled tulnud toime, kui sinu lähedane on haige? Kas üldse leidub nippe, mida teistega jagada või on vastused ikkagi meie endi sees ja võidab see, kes need lõpuks üles leiab?
