How come you don't have kids? And how to respond to that?

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was visiting a friend, we had a long nice picnic in her garden and all of a sudden she asked: "How old are you already?" 22, I replied, to which she said: "Ahaa! The biological clock is ticking away already!" I was so speechless I almost choked on my crumble and there were three letters above my head (pardon my French): WTF? I didn't really know what to say back then. You know those moments when you get told something so silly you wonder whether it was a dream or real life.

I like young mothers and I have always loved children, but I would have never imagined myself as a mother at the age of 22. All the more so since I'd found a lot of friends in England at the time and I dropped by London every chance I got, even for a weekend. Family and children didn't seem like something to fantasise about. I was more concerned with what I would wear to the next party at Annabel's or the Dorchester. And rightly so. I haven't regretted my happy life in London for a moment, or the fact that I didn't become a mother at an early age. That question didn't hurt me, but I soon learned that there are women who burst into tears after the same question.

I was working as a society journalist for years, and at the time, newlyweds were my territory as well. In short it meant that when the young couple gave the magazine their wedding photos, and I posed questions about falling in love, getting married, and of course the future. One question I always threw in the air jokingly was about when can we expect little ones. One day I was doing another one of those interviews and when the groom had to leave our meeting early, I was left alone with the newlywed woman. We were looking at wedding photos to see which to publish in the magazine and all of a sudden she started crying. She said that when I asked about expecting children, she said probably never, because they wait and wait, but she just doesn't get pregnant. I think my eyes opened more than ever at that moment. How I asked that stupid question over and over again from young couples! How many people had I hurt with that question? My interviewee said off the rec at the time that her parents and in-laws expect grandchildren of her, and she started crying every time she was asked about it. She said she took me for a stranger on a fast train, because she doesn't tell her girfriends about this. When I left the interview, and got home, I crossed that question out of my interviews forever. I never ask my friends either. For me, it's a question I never ask, because I don't know how much it could hurt.

I was reminded of this topic when my father found my old diaries and gave them to me. Among other things, I found notes I took about my interviewee who had revealed their biggest secret to me. A few days later I sent her seven responses to give those who ask about children in the future. Reading my diary, I decided to write up this story and those responses:

1. Oh, how come I don't have children? Don't you see I'm still a child myself? 
2. I'm waiting for you to have your first child to see if the sleepless nights are worth it! 
3. Why are you interested in that? 
4. Definitely not in the next 9 months! 
5. To be honest, never. When I change my mind, you're the first to know! 
6. Let's talk about this in five years. We have so many other plans. 
7. Don't you regret having two/three of them already?

Two years later, the woman who started crying during the interview, called me. She said that the first child was finally born into their family and if I want an exclusive interview, I'm going to get it. When I'd done the interview with her, and she was holding her beautiful little baby, she said: "Those responses really helped me. It's sometimes good when someone puts words in your mouth!" She said the one asking about whether the person regrets having children, worked the best.  

If this post is read by women who get asked about having children, and who have good responses for that, write them in the comments.

Ma mäletan seda nagu eilset päeva. Olin külas oma sõbrannal, meil oli tema aias mõnus piknik ja äkki küsis ta: "Kui vana sa juba oled?" Vastasin: "22aastane" ja tema kostis seepeale: "Ahhaa! Bioloogiline kell juba tiksub!" Ma olin nii sõnatu, et pidin purukoogi kurku tõmbama ja minu pea kohale ilmusid kolm tähte (vabandage minu prantsuse keel): "WTF?" Toona ei osanud ma suurt midagi kosta. Tead ju küll neid hetki, kui sulle öeldakse midagi nii jaburat, et sa mõtled: kas see juhtus unes või ilmsi?

Mulle meeldivad noored emad ja ma olen alati lapsi armastanud, kuid ma ei oleks iial kujutanud end 22aastaselt emana. Seda enam, et ma olin tol ajal leidnud terve hulga sõpru Inglismaal ja põikasin igal võimalusel kasvõi nädalavahetuseks Londonisse. Perekond ja lapsed ei tundunud mulle küll midagi sellist, millest fantaseerida. Ma mõtlesin pigem sellele, mida järgmisel peol ööklubis Annabel`s või õhtusöögil Dorchesteris kanda. Ja õieti tegin. Ma pole hetkekski pidanud kahetsema oma rõõmsat ja muretut elu Londonis ning seda, et ma varakult emaks ei saanud. Mulle ei teinud see küsimus haiget, kuid õige pea sain ma teada, et on naisi, keda ajab seesama küsimus nutma.

Ma töötasin aastaid seltskonnaajakirjanikuna ja minu pärusmaa olid tol ajal ka äsja abiellunud paarid. Lühidalt tähendas see seda, et noorpaar andis ajakirjale oma pulmapildid ja mina esitasin küsimusi armumisest abiellumiseni ja pulmaööst tulevikuni. Üks küsimus, mille ma alati naljatledes õhku viskasin, oli: "Millal on pisiperet oodata?" 

Ühel päeval tegin taas üht sellist intervjuud ja kui peigmees pidi meie kohtumiselt varem lahkuma, jäin ma äsja abiellunud naisega kahekesi. Me vaatasime koos pulmapilte, mida pidime ajakirjas avaldama ja äkki hakkas ta nutma. Ta ütles, et küsisin millal on pisiperet oodata ja vastas, et seda ei juhtu ilmselt kunagi, sest nad ootavad ja ootavad, kuid ta lihtsalt ei jää lapseootele. Mu silmad avanesid sel hetkel rohkem kui ei kunagi varem. Kui palju olin ma seda tobedat küsimust noorpaaridele esitanud! Kui paljudele olin ma oma küsimusega haiget teinud? Mu intervjueeritav ütles off the record, et temalt ootavad lapselapsi nii tema vanemad kui ka ämm ja äi ning ta tahaks iga kord nutma hakata, kui lapsed teemaks tulevad. Ta pihtis, et ta võtab mind kui võõrast kiirrongis, sest oma sõbrannadele ta sellest ei räägi. Kui ma intervjuult lahkusin ja lõpuks koju jõudsin, kriipsutasin selle küsimuse igaveseks oma intervjuude seast maha. Samuti ei küsi ma seda kunagi oma sõbrannadelt. Minu jaoks on see küsimus, mida ma mitte kunagi ei küsi, sest ma ei tea, kui palju see võib haiget teha.

See teema meenus mulle, kui isa leidis lapsepõlvekodust minu vanad päevikud ja andis need mulle üle. Muuhulgas leidsin ma märkmed, mida tegin oma intervjueeritavale, kes oli mulle avaldanud oma suurima saladuse. Paar päeva pärast intervjuud saatsin talle seitse vastust, mida öelda neile, kes edaspidi pisipere kohta küsivad. Lugedes oma päevikut, otsustasin selle loo ja need vastused avaldada. Ehk mida vastata, kui küsitakse, miks sul lapsi (veel) pole või millal on neid ometi oodata?

1. "Oh, miks mul lapsi pole? Kas te ei näe, et ma olen veel ise laps?"
2. "Ma ootan, kuna sina oma esimese lapse saad ja vaatan siis, kas need magamata ööd tasuvad end ära!"
3. "Miks see sind huvitab?"
4. "Kindlasti mitte lähima üheksa kuu jooksul!"
5. "Kui aus olla, siis mitte kunagi. Kui ma ümber mõtlen, oled esimene, kes sellest teada saab!"
6.  "Räägime sellest viie aasta pärast. Meil on nii palju muud plaanis."
7. "Kas Sa ei kahetse, et sul on neid juba suisa kaks/kolm?"

Kaks aastat hiljem helistas mulle seesama naine, kes oli intervjuu ajal nutma puhkenud. Ta ütles, et lõpuks sündis nende perekonda esimene laps ja kui ma soovin eksklusiivset lugu, siis ma selle ka saan. Kui olin intervjuul ja ta hoidis süles oma imearmsat väikest beebit, ütles ta: "Need vastused aitasid mind palju. Vahel on hea, kui keegi teine sulle sõnad suhu paneb!" Tema sõnul töötas kõige paremini vastus: "Kas Sa ei kahetse, et sul on juba lapsed?"

Kui minu postitust loevad naised, kellelt küsitakse pisipere kohta ja kellel on selleks puhuks tabavaid vastuseid, siis jätke need kommentaariumisse. Millised on need küsimused, mida sina oma tuttavatelt ja sõpradelt kunagi ei küsi? 

PHOTOS: Meisi Volt